


It has to be today

by Nachsie



Series: Straight up porn (with adorable plots!) - One Shots [12]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Family Loss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Help, Happy Dean, Human Castiel, Human Dean, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, overcoming depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 19:48:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10838190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nachsie/pseuds/Nachsie
Summary: Castiel Novak has decided his end. How he will go. When. Every little detail planned out. However, he didn't plan for the hottie on the bridge that day he planned to jump....Just because Castiel has plans, doesn't mean life doesn't have some of their own.





	It has to be today

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Castiel’s POV**

 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  


Tears streaming down his face as he looked down to the watery drop below, listening as cars passed the rather chubby man who sat on the railing on the bridge holding on so tight his knuckles were white.

 

He had decided today he was going to jump off the stupid bridge and plunge to his death.

 

In the coldest day in winter.

 

And Castiel Novak was going to fall to his death today.

 

Where he couldn’t tell despite being bundled to all hell if he was shaking from the cold or from nerves. Castiel let one hand go of the bar, reading himself to let go of the next one.

 

“You know. This is my favorite view.” A voice spoke besides him, Castiel was startled at the sound, his hands slapping back onto the railing as he turned to see a taller man, Twenty or so like him. He was bundled for winter, and he was...rather beautiful. The man’s tan skin and freckles made Castiel think he was a model.

 

Castiel wiping his tears with one hand, as he breathed out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding, as the man glanced over at the moon in the sky.

 

“...Come on.” The man spoke. “I want to show you something.”

 

“I-...” Castiel started. “...I’m kind of busy.” Castiel choked out ushering to the side.

 

“You have a minute, don’t you?” The man stated. “It’s just one thing.”

 

“...” Castiel watched him for a moment. “I...I don’t even know you.”

 

“The names Dean.” The man asked as he beamed at him. “And now you know me. Come on. We have to catch the bus. Let’s go.”

 

“I-I has to be tonight.” Castiel insisted as Dean took a second to understand. “...It has to be tonight.”

 

“...Okay.” Dean spoke with a beam. “I’ll have you here before sunbreak. I promise. But come on, we are going to be late!”

 

“...” Castiel hesitated before he hesitantly climbed down following him, towards the bus.

 

_____________________________________________________

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

Castiel couldn’t believe he was sitting in the back of the bus with a hot stranger, one who was talking his ear off about random things. Castiel kept glancing over, watching his mouth moving and closing with words Castiel was barely listening to.

 

“Hey,” Dean spoke as he turned looking at Dean. “...I just realized I never got your name.”

 

“....Castiel.” Castiel spoke as Dean eyed his face.

 

“Never heard of it,” Dean spoke curiously.

 

“You wouldn’t….unless your parents are super mungo religious.” Castiel confessed looking down at his nails as he picked the skin. “I hate it to be honest.”

 

“Then...how about I call you Cas?” Dean spoke as Castiel turned to him.

 

“...I’d like that,” Castiel confessed.

 

“Oh wait. I realized we can’t get in.” Dean frowned rubbing his chin. “It’s a suit and tie kind of event.” Castiel’s eyes slid over the nicely dressed dean was. Fancy and elegant jacket covered his suit. Dean could get into a suit and tie event, looking more business casual than penguin suit.

 

He was referring to Castiel.  

 

“Well, this has been fun.” Castiel sighed moving to stand, but Dean yanked him back down with a quick tug, Castiel moved to sit once again.

 

“Where are you going?” Dean asked.

 

“Going back to the bridge,” Castiel stated annoyed.

 

“Whoa, hey. You promised me my one thing.” Dean laughed. “You can’t bail on me.”

 

“But I don’t have a suit.” Castiel crossed his arms like his tubbiness could afford a big man’s suit.

 

“Then we are just going to have to get one won’t we.” Dean commented pulling the Bus’ line signalling the bus to stop. He got up and grabbed Castiel’s hand leading him off the bus.

 

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Castiel sat awkwardly as a woman stared him down eyeing him, her red hair bounced as she moved around him in a circle. Dean was contently sitting on the taylor's desk, watching her take him in.

 

“Don’t normally do big boys.” She commented in thought.

 

“Okay, thank you for your time-.” Castiel moved to stand but this time it was her that forced him to sit.

 

“...but with a cute face like yours how could I resist?” The redhead beamed, she turned her attention towards Dean, who just beamed at her. “Where did you find this one?”

 

“Oh, you know, around.” Dean shrugged as she ushered Castiel to stand.

 

“Must be special to get a suit.” The redhead commented. “Especially at the price tag.”

 

“Wait, how much is the price tag?!” Castiel asked but was ultimately ignored as the woman helped him.

 

“Very.” Dean smiled softly as she got the measurements.

 

“I got the perfect suit in mind. I just need to make some quick alterations.” The woman smiled as she walked into the pack.

 

“Thanks, Charlie,” Dean spoke softly as Castiel watched her go.

 

“...” Castiel turned to Dean who was taking off his own scarf and relaxed back into the desk more.

 

“What?” Dean commented with a laugh.

 

“...How much is the suit?” Castiel asked as Dean shrugged.

 

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Dean chuckled.

 

“I can’t accept,” Castiel spoke quickly feeling guilty.

 

“Why? You are the one doing me the favor.” Dean said. “You wouldn’t need a suit if you weren’t going with me.”

 

“I-...” Castiel paused being quiet as Dean eyed him.

 

“Do you feel bad you will not be able to pay me back?” Dean asked. Bingo. “...Think of it as a goodbye present...At least they can bury you in a decent suit.” Castiel said nothing as Dean lit a smoke pressing it to his lips as Charlie returned.

 

“Here,” Charlie stated. “Try this on.”

 

Castiel took the suit hesitantly glanced at Dean before moving to the dressing room. When Castiel came out, the conversation between Charlie and Dean stopped as they turned to him.

 

“Perfect!” Charlie spoke moving to him taking his hand. “You look so handsome!” Charlie lead Castiel to the mirror which Castiel eyed himself. If it wasn’t for his sheer awkwardness and obvious insecurity...He could look like a model too. Plus size but a model. His eyes moved to Dean who was putting a decent chunk of money on her desk before he met Castiel’s gaze. “What do you think Dean?”

 

Castiel’s eyes left Dean’s to look at the money on the counter, trying to figure out how much that costs.

 

“...I think he looks beautiful.” Dean spoke which pulled Castiel’s gaze away from the money. “Ready to go Castiel?” Castiel nodded. “Thank you again, Charlie.”

 

“Bye you two.” Charlie waved as Castiel moved towards the door, Dean held the door open for him and they left together.

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Castiel was watching Dean on the bus as Dean texted into his phone.

 

“Now we just need shoes,” Dean commented glancing at his watch. “A have a friend who wouldn’t mind being open for us-”

 

“What are we doing anyways,” Castiel asked as Dean turned to him.

 

“A stuffy work party.” Dean waved him off. “Obligations. Can’t put off going to this. I bail every year.”

 

“Why?” Castiel spoke.

 

“I hate going alone,” Dean spoke. “I use to go with my younger brother... But that was a long time ago.”

 

“Why don’t you ask him to go?” Castiel asked. “I’m sure he would love to be spoiled with suits and shoes.” Dean gave a sad smile as he looked away.

 

“He’s…” Dean paused and for a second Castiel thought he saw...some sadness in his eyes. “...He made his decisions...and at this point, I can only accept it.”

 

“...” Castiel watched a smile appear on his face as he stood pulling on the stop.

 

“We almost missed our stop.” Dean beamed, as Castiel stood being dragged along by Dean.

  


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The shoes were much more easy to obtain, which after a quick sizing, Castiel walked out with leather fancy shoes. Dean this time calling an uber to take them to the office party, It was fancy and definitely the more expensive ride….but Castiel...actually felt confident in his new clothes.

 

Dean helped him out of the uber, which Castiel glanced around at the outside of a rather large office building, he could barely make out the top, Dean smiled at Castiel’s awe holding out his arm to him.  Castiel smiled softly taking it, as they walked inside. A gentleman in a penguin suit took Dean’s coat, scarf and Castiel’s backpack full of his old clothes before they actually entered the Christmas party.

 

Castiel could make out every bit of red, green and gold around the place, the lights of fake candles glowing obviously fake with actual lights in them and not candles. Everything was rather expensive, and even the napkins looked like they costed a pretty penny. People in stuffy suits and women in long elegant dresses. Castiel felt like he was in the wrong place.

 

When Dean entered clapping began, which Castiel turned in surprise, taking his hand away from Dean to clap as well, but Dean softly waved them to stop.

 

“Now now.” Dean laughed. “Please. No clapping. Let us just enjoy the holidays.”

 

“How can we not? You are a reason some of us can even have a holiday.” Someone spoke as Dean smiled.

 

“If I believe I did anything worth applauding I would allow it. But please, you guys are embarrassing me in front of my date.” Dean pretended to pull at his collar of his suit as people laughed, Castiel went deep red...He was...Dean’s date. “Now, let’s give it up to Carol, who fought long and hard with her recovery and will be with us for many Christmas’ to come.”

 

She blew him a kiss, as tears filled her eyes, everyone started to clap.

 

“And one more round of applause for making this company great.” Dean clapped along. “Now please! Enjoy the inexpensive food and wine!” Everyone happily returned to the party as Castiel looked at Dean.

 

“I hope I didn’t scare you away,” Dean spoke as Dean lead him away.

 

“S-Scare me?” Castiel spoke still flustered as everyone acknowledged them.

 

“Calling you my date,” Dean stated. “That didn’t scare you didn’t.”

 

“N-No.” Castiel choked out in surprise. “I-I just hope you weren’t embarrassed.”

 

“Why would I be embarrassed?” Dean chuckled.

 

“...Because…” Castiel hesitated. “You can have anyone….and you...are here with me.”

 

“I feel like you’re missing the point,” Dean spoke softly. “...I could be with anyone and I chose to be with you here.”

 

“....” Castiel said nothing as Dean smiled softly. They mingled and talked with everyone in short bursts, and it was definitely a very casual normal business party. When Dean excused himself for the restroom Castiel stood against the wall watching everyone talk.

 

“You don’t work here right?” A voice spoke as Castiel turned looking at a blonde woman who was with Carol. “...I’m glad I’m not the only odd man out.”

 

“Yeah, no. I don’t work here.” Castiel laughed. “I actually don’t know much about anything.”

 

“Me either.” The woman spoke. “...I’m Lilith.” She held out her hand.

 

“...Cas.” Castiel shook it as she smiled.

 

“I’m just as clueless as you, but I’m not so clueless I didn’t know I walked in with the CEO,” Lilith stated.

 

“Wait. Dean’s the CEO?” Castiel gasped as Lilith nodded.

 

“And he’s a saint. He’s donated almost all his paycheck to his employees.” Lilith stated. “...He’s a good man. He...even helped my mom. He found her anonymous kidney donor...She wasn’t suppose to make it past easter...but now she’s here for christmas….We all owe him.”

 

“...” Castiel blinked at her words, taking it all in.

 

“So, are you Dean’s boyfriend?” Lilith stated.

 

“N-No.” Castiel blushed waving his hands. “I’m just a friend.”

 

“Ah. So he’s still single.” Lilith spoke as Castiel nodded. “Sorry I assumed, I thought you might be his boyfriend...you know since this was the first time he has shown up in years to a Christmas party ever since his brother died I thought-”

 

“Ready to go?” Dean spoke cutting her off and the conversation, Castiel could tell Dean didn’t hear what Lilith said as he beamed at Castiel. Castiel quickly nodded as he took his arm and lead him away. “I’m starving, want to grab something to eat?” Castiel could only nod.

 

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Castiel walked into Dean’s apartment, Dean cradling a very extra large pizza with a bunch of junk food to spare. Dean placed it on the living room table before he moved to grab plates and cups.

 

“Please make yourself at home,” Dean spoke as Castiel took off his suit coat moving to sit on the living room couch. Dean returned handing him the plate and cup, which Castiel took happily.

 

“Thank you,” Castiel spoke.

 

“It’s my pleasure.” Dean laughed as he took a seat next to him. “Is there anything you wanted to watch-?”

 

“No…I’d rather just talk if you don’t mind.” Castiel hesitated as Dean nodded.

 

“Sure what did you want to talk about,” Dean asked helping himself to pizza and poured himself some root beer.

 

“...Your brother.” Castiel spoke as Dean stopped his bite of pizza. Dean’s smile faded. “...You said it was his choice to why he didn’t come to Christmas with you...but...Lilith said he died...I’m confused.”

 

“....” Dean said nothing for a long time. “...You out of all people...should know what that means.” Dean stated after a long time.

 

“...What?” Castiel asked confused as Dean coldly took a bite of his food, as Castiel pondered his words. He seemed to understand after a few moments and before Castiel could speak, Dean answered.

 

“My brother killed himself,” Dean stated as Castiel just stared at Dean. “He got into a really dark place he couldn’t pull himself from...and five years ago on Christmas eve night...he jumped from the bridge and died.”

 

“...So...when you stumbled upon me...You went to see your brother….” Castiel spoke.

 

“I...always go see him….every Christmas eve,” Dean spoke. “I always just go...and stand there...and just wish him a merry Christmas at midnight...but then-”

 

“You ran into me.” Castiel was quiet.

 

“...Please don’t think I helped you because of my brother.” Dean spoke. “Helping you wasn’t some...selfish thing. I helped you because as soon as I saw your tears...I just...never wanted to see you cry again-”

 

“Why?” Castiel broke into tears. “Why do you care if I cry or not?”

 

“...I don’t know.” Dean spoke tears in his eyes as Castiel eyed his face. “...I can’t give you an answer you are looking for…I’m sorry...but…” Dean took Castiel’s hand. “Please...Please don’t kill yourself.” Castiel said nothing, as he was so taken back, he...hadn’t heard anyone tell him that.

 

Kill yourself.

 

Sure. He’s heard that…

 

But someone in tears begging castiel to _not_ kill himself?

 

“Please...don’t kill yourself. Please.” Dean sobbed gripping his shirt. “Please.”

 

Castiel stared into his broken face, watching the man crumble at the very thought of Castiel not being there anymore.

 

Why.

 

He didn’t know why.

 

He barely held that thought before he cupped Dean’s face pressing him into a hard kiss. Dean took a second to react before he softly pulled Castiel closer by the waist.

 

Now if you asked Castiel why he kissed him, he wouldn’t be able to tell you.

 

He hadn’t ever had the confidence to do that before.  


He climbed onto Dean’s lap as Dean roughly kissed back gripping his chubby waist, kissing him with almost as desperate need as Castiel pulled back to quickly and almost forcefully remove Dean’s shirt which Dean helped. Dean pulled him back into a kiss cupping his face, Castiel’s body reacting as he felt Dean flip him.

 

Dean pinned him back on the couch, Castiel barely had a chance to even feel insecure of his weight as Dean pulled off his clothes. Taking time to kiss and touch Castiel’s skin, skin no one else has ever touched.

 

When the lustful pulling of clothes came to a slow, Castiel was panting as Dean pressed kisses against Castiel’s larger thighs. Castiel was panting hard looking down at him blushing as Dean took his time.

 

“You’re so beautiful….” Dean whispered before he leaned up pressing a kiss against his cock, Castiel sucked in air. Blushing a little moan, Castiel watched Dean softly kiss the sides before Castiel objected, watching Dean’s plump lips sliding down his cock in a easy slow bob.

 

“D-...Dean.” Castiel panted as Dean softly sucked him, allowing the virgin a feel of sex he has never felt before.

 

How was he so comfortable around Dean?

 

He always used to cry at the idea of being naked and intimate with someone…

 

Who would want to see this tubby man naked?

 

Dean pulled back softly with a couple kisses to his tip as Castiel shivered at the touch, Dean smirked at him before leaning up and pressing kisses against Castiel’s lips.

 

“Do...you want to top me?” Dean breathed as he softly nuzzled him, Castiel went red.

 

“I-...” Castiel started embarrassed.

 

“I know.” Dean spoke. “This...is the first time in the while.” Dean let out a nervous chuckle. “So...forgive me if I suck....” Dean softly stood looking for something in the drawers of his bedroom, before he came out with a box and lube. “I knew I had some.”

 

Castiel chuckled at the dusty condoms, as Dean patted away the dust before he pulled out a condom from the box. Castiel took the box as Dean opened the condom wrapper.

 

“It has been a long time. This expired four years ago.” Castile chuckled, as Dean pressed a kiss to silence him.

 

“I don’t judge you.” Dean mumbled with a pout as Castiel smiled laughing, Dean pressing him back into a string of kisses before he slid a the condom slowly onto Castiel’s dick which made him suck in air at the feeling. “Does it feel good?”

 

“Y-...Yeah.” Castiel spoke.

 

“It only gets better.” Dean confessed as Castiel blushed, Castiel watched Dean slather lube onto his cock, before he reached a hand backsliding it into himself as he rocked some lube into his hole. Castiel watched him, as Dean stared into Castiel’s eyes. Castiel...was bold as he moved to press kisses against Dean’s neck, as Dean slowly prepped himself.

 

When Dean pulled back, he moved to straddle Castiel, Castiel looked at him nervously.

 

“It’s okay…” Dean cooed the nervous cupping Castiel’s face. Castiel eyed his face, looking so shy. Castiel lowered his eyes watching as Dean slowly slid onto Castiel’s cock. Castiel closed his eyes to the pleasure before Dean adjusted to Castiel.

 

When Castiel opened his eyes, he eyed Dean’s beautiful blushing face.

 

Was...Dean enjoying this too?

 

Part of him wanted to believe this was out of obligation or some sense to save Castiel.

 

That Castiel could leave after this and finish...everything.

 

But…

 

Castiel watched Dean rock onto Castiel, it was rough and needy. Castiel couldn’t take his eyes off Dean’s body moving on him. Castiel’s fingers moving against Dean’s body, taking in every elegant movement of Dean’s rocking.

 

How could such a beautiful man...want to be this intimate with Castiel?

 

They were total opposites.

 

Dean was rich, beautiful, skinny, kind….

 

Castiel was poor, ugly, fat and...Castiel.

 

Castiel's eyes slid over a scar on his belly freshly healed.

 

Carol’s...kidney…

 

Was Dean the anonymous donor?

 

“Fuck.” Dean cupped Castiel’s face kissing him tightly kissing him, as Castiel experimentally thrusted up into him. Dean was getting louder, his pants and gasps so loud that Castiel thought the whole world would start to heat. “Cas. Fuck. Harder.”

 

The couch squeaked at their movements, Dean panting and gasping against Castiel with need. Castiel gripping him thrusting roughly, ever so slowly meeting Dean’s thrusts.

 

“I-I’m cumming.” Dean whimpered loudly as Castiel hit a sweet spot. “F-Fuck, I’m cumming. Yes! Yes!” Dean threw his head back as warm cum spilled onto Castiel’s stomach. Castiel gripped him tightly, as he tensed. Castiel cummed roughly into the condom. As Dean let out a loud moan, Dean rocking till Castiel’s cum was milked out of him.

 

When Dean and Castiel’s orgasm has finished Dean looked down at Castiel happily, smiling down at him.

 

Dean...wasn’t...Doing this out of obligation...was he?

 

Dean leaned down kissing him as he softly slid off Castiel’s cock.

 

“I’m so glad to have met you,” Dean whispered, laying on the couch against Castiel.

 

“I’m glad too.” Castiel whispered, placing a hand holding Dean’s thigh rubbing it affectionately. They sat there softly holding each other as Dean just laid his head on Castiel’s chest drawing circles on it with his finger.

 

“...I’m sorry.” Dean spoke as Cas continued to look at the painting on the wall in front of them.

 

“Why are you sorry?” Castiel asked as Dean glanced at the clock.

 

“...It’s after midnight.” Dean commented as Castiel slowly turned his gaze to the clock.

 

It was one thirty in the morning.

 

Castiel...had missed his window.

 

“...” Castiel said nothing, as Dean moved to straddle him again, cupping his face.

 

“Y-...You won’t try again will you?” Dean asked as Castiel shook his head no.

 

“It had to be yesterday.” Castiel spoke eyeing Dean’s worried face. “I had to die yesterday...I...will have to wait till next year.”

 

“...Can I ask why?” Dean asked softly. “Why yesterday?”

 

“...It’s the first year anniversary of my family's death.” Castiel spoke as Dean stayed quiet. “...My mom died in a car accident on the bridge...and... She had begged me to come over and over to the beach...but I didn’t want anyone to see me in a bathing suit...I didn’t want them to laugh at me so I didn’t go. She took my twin brother and his wife and daughter...there was no survivors. Not one.”

 

Dean didn’t say anything as Castiel wiped his tears.

 

“I should have been there, Dean. I should have died with them.” Castiel sobbed. “I was just trying to right a wrong-”

 

“No, Castiel.” Dean spoke kissing his tears away. “You were there to meet me. Your family didn’t want you to die...They want you to live...experience new things. They want you happy Castiel. They want you to get help.”

 

“No, It was a coincidence.” Castiel sobbed.

 

“How? That you would try to jump the same day, the same spot my brother ended his life. That I would come an hour later than I normally do to wish my brother a merry christmas, and I’m known for _always_ on time?” Dean spoke as Castiel took his words in. “I don’t believe in coincidences, Castiel…I believe that everything happens for a reason. Please don’t ignore your family...please...get help.”

 

“...I can’t…” Castiel whispered. “I-...I don’t know how.”

 

“I’ll help you.” Dean kissed him. “...I’ll help you. Please….Try for me. Try for your family. If you want to do this in a year...I won’t stop you okay? But Please. Try.”

 

“...Okay.” Castiel whispered. “I’ll try…” Castiel spoke as tears slid down his face before he roughly pulled Dean into a kiss, just holding him….

 

For Dean…

 

For his family…

 

He could try.

 

Just one more go at living….

 

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**Castiel’s POV: Five years later**

  
  
  
  
  


“So Castiel.” The therapist softly glanced up at him. “Do you think you have overcome the suicidal thought and depression over the last five years?”

 

“That’s...hard to answer.”  Castiel spoke. “...Everyday I fight a random thought that I could kill myself with things around me. _I could just stab his fork into my neck and die right now._ ” Castiel scoffed with a half laugh but he paused softly with a smile. “...Every day of my life is a battle, I get up and fight it. But that’s where...it’s perfect. I’m happy to get up every day and fight it.”

 

The therapist eyed him as she listened.

 

“Have I overcome Suicidal thoughts and depression? Of course not...but I make it my bitch every day and that...Is a victory.” Castiel beamed when the door opened to the therapy room.

 

“Dadada.” A toddler spoke chewing on his hand, as he held the door knob. He was dressed in fuzzy pajamas, with boots on his feet. His black hair a long curly mess on his head and freckles looking for Castiel.

 

The toddler fell onto his butt, unable to stand for long, Castiel got up cradling the toddler pressing kisses to the toddler’s nose.

 

“Casie.” Dean moved to collect him, as the toddler fussed for Castiel. “I’m sorry! I turned away for two seconds-”

 

“It’s okay...I’m done.” Castiel smiled softly, turning to the therapist. “...see you next time?”

 

“...See you next time.” The therapist smiled as Castiel softly lead them away...happy to go home.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please if you are having suicidal thoughts or have depression, please get help. There are websites for counselors but I'm also here if you need it. Please keep on fighting! Your story isn't over;


End file.
